IT'S A STICK-UP

Whatever happened to the days of all joysticks being a small base with a stick in the middle and a fire button that never worked? Today they look more like something from the control panel of an F-16 and get bigger and sillier all the while. Nick Roberts and Mark Caswell delve into the CRASH joystick bin to discover whether the joystick really is a gamesplayer's best friend...

Spectravideo
£14.95

MARK: Sadly the Jet Fighter costs too much for what it delivers. At first glance the stick is so impressive with its moulded shaft and very solid looking base. But the major problem here is the length of the travel: you have to move the stick so far to get a response that quick movements are near impossible! Diagonals are as elusive, though the fire buttons again answer with a responsive click when pressed. Steer well clear of this one: to quote The Hitchiker's Guide To The Galaxy - it looks like a fish, it moves like a fish, but steers like a cow!

TIDINGS OF COMFORT AND JOYSTICKS

As we've no doubt pointed out about 20 times already this issue, Christmas is almost upon us, so what better time to take a good long gander at the wonderful world of joysticks? After all, they make an ideal stocking filler! (Or so LINDA BARKER thinks anyway.)

Not really knowing a massive amount about joysticks (it has to be said) I thought I'd check with a couple of my sources before embarking on this feature. What a waste of time - the only comprehensible (and non-indecent) answer I got went along the lines of "Um, er, um, they're those smelly things you light, aren't they?" Useless. Vowing to get a better class of source, I made my excuses and left. The research was all up to me.

Ahem. So where are we? Well, what with it being Christmas (the 21st time we've mentioned it this issue) and everything, we thought you'd be wondering what to ask good old Santa for this year. Well, how about a joystick? They really do make rather lovely little presents - not too extortionately priced (usually), made of spiffy red and black plastic (almost always) and just a nice size to wrap up too! The only problem is there are so many to choose from. Decisions, decisions. I hate 'em (and I'm sure you do too), so being incredibly kind-hearted souls we thought we'd save you the trouble of traipsing round all the stores. Now there's no need to work yourself into a hair-tearing ninny because you can't decide what to get, because we've done all the deciding for you. All you have to do is settle down, get yourself comfy and read on. (Hurrah!).

COMPETITION PRO 5000 BLACK (£14.95).
COMPETITION PRO PHANTOM (£14.95).
COMPETITION PRO GOAL (£14.95).
COMPETITION PRO 5000 CLEAR (£15.95).
COMPETITION PRO 5000 EXTRA, RED GLOW AND GREEN GLOW (£17.50)

The Competition Pro 5000 is the one that we generally use in the office. It's a good medium sort of size and simple in design - a car gear lever-like shaft with a knob on the top, and two big fire buttons on the base, all finished in ubiquitous red and black. Some may think it looks a bit old-fashioned, but I like it - there's no fuss and pretension here. It's been around a while (eight years or so) and is still popular, probably because it's so durable (the shaft's steel-plated, you see).

Seeing as it's the one that's almost always plugged into our office Speccy it's been the standard I've been judging the others by. All versions of the stick come with microswitches on the fire buttons and a two-year guarantee, no suckers though (so desktop work isn't too hot) but the more expensive ones get autofire and slow motion features. It's easy to get to grips with and a good shape to hold but (but! But!) one problem - the stick's too stiff for me and doesn't waggle enough. They loosen up with age apparently (and tend to be fairly unbreakable) so perhaps that's worth putting up with however.

Of course, if you're bored of black and red (and if you're not now, you will be by the end of this feature) you can get the same basic design finished in different ways. The Phantom is a ghostly white ('startling', according to the packaging), with a black handle and fire buttons (very stylish), while the World Cup series comes in ten different colour combinations for different teams. We've got the England one (a white body with red buttons and stick) but more exciting is Brazil - green and yellow. Ideal for Kick Off II!

What else? Well, the Clear is, as you might expect, clear (so you can see all the wires and nice little gold bits inside) while the 'Glow Style' Extras are a sort of transparent luminous acid green or pink. Nice and bright, but really worth the extra three quid!? (I think not.)

QUICKJOY JETFIGHTER (£13.95)

Shock horror - this one isn't red and black! No, no, Nanette, it's grey and red. Well, sort of greyey brown really - not that nice at all. And - oh no! - the handle's an even muckier grey/brown. (It's a bit of a visual nightmare really.)

What else can I tell you about it? Well, the Jetfighter has a big ponderous base with suction pads, and a clicking hand-grip stick with two fire buttons perched on top. Everything you need is located at the top of the handle, which is a noisy one at that, This one looks just like part of an aeroplane, no doubt about it, but it's a lot more flash than function. Like many of these sticks, it has suckers which don't actually seem to stick to our lovely Melamine teak-look table too well (they obviously know a fake when they suck it). Too big and flash - not my favourite stick.

LINDA'S PICK OF THE STICKS

So there you have it. After much debate and deliberation in the office (and a fair amount of arguing) we've managed to narrow it down to the top three. (Or at least, I have.) Here we go...

1) POWERPLAY CRUISER (in black)
A nice shape, well-built, a good price and oh-so-sexy in black. A bit of a winner all-round really.

2) KONIX NAVIGATOR
Quite well-built, small and futuristic-looking, and ideal for when you haven't a table to lean on (or don't want to anyway). Quite expensive for what it is though.

3) = COMPO PRO 5000
Super-sturdy and quite accurate - worth the high(ish) price.

3) = CHEETAH 125+
Accurate and comfortable, if a bit cheap looking in the plastic casing stakes. Very good value though.

Now all you need to do is a) ring the one you want, b) leave this issue innocently lying around the house (open at these pages of course) and c) hope that someone with a bit of money takes the hint! Merry Christmas, everybody!