Gods
by Julia Barnsley, Simon Barnsley
1989

OH NO, IT'S THE AWESOME ATTACK OF THE... YS READER'S GAMES

Here at YS, we've recently been engulfed by an astounding number* of games that you, our lovely readers, have written and (if that wasn't disaster enough) sent in for our perusal. (Presumably so we could laugh at them as well. Ho ho, just joking.) Well, as you can probably imagine, at first we tried to ignore them but soon they were flooding in so fast that we just couldn't hold out any longer.

So here, as a last resort (and we do mean last), is RICH PELLEY, who we've chained to a desk, and forced to play through your fine offerings to give us his 'expert' opinion. Take it away, Rich... (but don't say we didn't warn you).

*Nine, actually.

Firstly, I'd like to say how impressed I've been with the standard of games you've sent in. But unfortunately I can't - 'cos they're all crap (hem). No, maybe that's a bit unfair. I was vaguely impressed with some (well, one actually). But the majority were crap, as you're about to see.

But before I get down to some serious slagging, perhaps you'd like to know (though I doubt it) how the professionals do their stuff. Y'see writing a decent game ain't quite as easy as you may think. At a proper software 'house' (presumably a 'house' because they all live there or something) you have quite a few people working on the same game at once, all doing different bits and bobs. First, you'll find someone writing the code (the actual game) in machine code, probably using an assembler - all of which is very complicated and means you have to be extremely brainy to know what's going on. Of course, he won't be using a Speccy (seeing as it's terminally crap at this sort of thing), so a far more impressive computer which costs loads more and has lots more keys (and maybe even a pretty light if he's lucky) will be adopted instead, such as an ST. Basically this serves exactly the same purpose as our rubber-keyed chum, except that it's a little bit more user-friendly ('cos there's loads more memory) and far, far more importantly, it looks a lot more flash.

As well as this, another arty-farty bloke (or indeed woman) will 'do' the graphics, whilst yet another writes a little ditty using lots of keyboards, funny black boxes and pretty lights (which is later ported into the Speccy). And, would you believe, it all costs rather a lot of money. Overall, I'd say (but don't take my word for it) that it takes around four months for everyone working full-time to write a game from start from finish - and some of them are still pretty naff after all that.

But why on earth am I telling you all this, you may well be asking. Good question. Why did I tell you that? Erm... Ah yes. Well, now you can see what you're up against when you try to write a game yourself. I mean, I'm sure that someone cramped up in a decaying bedroom with a cold cup of coffee in one hand and a copy of Playboy in the other (well, that's how I do it, anyway), frantically trying to write a game won't get very far, if you see what I mean. Which all goes to show, um, something or other. So there you go. Now you know.

'ELLO, JOHN, GORRA NEW MOTOR?

Still reading? Oh, good. Whilst sifting through the piles of games and things you've sent in I've (sort of) dropped them into three different categories. And here they are...

First, there are the ones that are crap on purpose. Y'know the sort of thing - Advanced Yoghurt Carton Simulator and the like. Then there are the ones which are meant to be taken seriously, but are crap all the same. And lastly, well, there are the ones which really aren't too bad. (Take YS Capers, for instance, which we featured on the Smash Tape last issue - a game written at home by a YS reader for a bit of fun and sent into us just like all these other games, the only difference being that Damian Scattergood is, of course, a professional programmer on the quiet, so he was pretty well sussed up).

Not that any of this is at all relevant, of course. I just thought I'd stick it in so you'd think I knew what I was doing here.

THE SCORES ON THE DOORS

The usual scoring system seems a tad inappropriate here (seeing as it doesn't go below one'), so instead we've adopted a brand new one instead (ie I've just made it up).

TECHNICAL INGENUITY

Or 'How clever is the programmer?' Does the game boast wacky graphical routines, winy sound and decent playability? Or, erm, doesn't it?

ACHIEVEMENT

Did the prog achieve what it set out to do? Did it do a perfect job, or come a right old cropper in the process?

FUN

Is the game a laugh to watch and fun to play, or is it as boring as something that really is a bit on the boring side?

CRAP FACTOR

Erm, yes... Nuff said.

OVERALL

The overall mark is a sort of idea about how far the game would get if it was released at full price on a proper label - so it may get an extremely low mark even if I thought it was really good. If you see what I mean. Okay? (Just don't get hurt if I'm a bit nasty about your pride and joy - it doesn't make you a bad person or anything!)

GODS
By Julia and Simon Barnsley

"Gods is unlike any other game that has ever appeared on the market." claim its authors. "Sure," I thought, assuming it'd be a complete pile of crud. But I was wrong. Gods is in fact alarmingly good. It's a strategy game by the way, and I must admit I didn't find it particularly easy - probably because, apart from the fact that it is quite hard, I'm terminally crap at this sort of thing. But I still liked it all the same, and that's gotta say something.

As with most strategy games, the idea's to get as powerful as possible and, well, win the game. This one's a multi-player number as well (up to five, I believe), and this time you're all gods. The idea's to score more glory points (in a specific number of turns) than any of your player-chums. You do this by way of heroes, who you can influence to help you - to kill monsters and carry out quests to pile up your points. The one with the most points wins! Hurrah! This may seem a trifle complicated though, probably because it, erm, is. Graphics and sound are a little bit naff, but that's not what a strategy game's all about, is it? Nope - it's playability that counts, and this one's got it coming out of its ears. Apparently it's taken seven years to write, and it really is quite amazin' for a home-grown effort. (By the way, the authors are looking for someone to publish it, so come on, you software houses out there, get to it and snatch this little baby up before someone else does - it could well be a winner!)

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REVIEW BY: Rich Pelley

Blurb: Well, what an excruciatingly brilliant feature that was, if I do say so myself - so good, in fact, that we'll have to do it again sometime. So if you've written a game or something (preferably not another one of those pesky lawnmower simulators though, and not just some utility or display - send them to JD's Prog Pitstop instead) and you're ready for some constructive criticism (ie a right slagging-off), then send it to me, Rich Pelley, at the Crap Game Corner, Your Sinclair, 30 Monmouth Street, Bath BA1 2AP. And no doubt it'll appear in the hallowed pages of a future issue of this fine publication. Byeee!!!